Joey and Carla Link
October 30, 2024
We no longer live in a world we can trust. Oh, how we wish that were different, but it’s not. The best way to keep a protective arm around your kids with society’s morals is to keep your family united and strong. However, as kids grow, they are pulled in a lot of different directions by friends, what they see on the internet and in the world around them. So, how do you make your family a place they want to be?
You hear horror stories about the middle years (ages 10-13 yrs) and for good reason. It is a time of transition, and transition means change. Your kids’ hormones are kicking in, causing them to feel things that are totally new to them. Your kids get to go to youth group now and see things that make them question your standards, like when your 10 yr. old thinks he/she should have a cell phone because all the other kids in his class do.
When you hear parents talk about their kids in the middle years, you think this kind of behavior isn’t going to happen to your kids. We all live in denial. When the explosion comes in the form of unexpected behavior, you are caught off guard and overwhelmed and the rug is literally pulled out from underneath you.
In the parenting class Growing Kids God’s Way, we learned about the independent and interdependent families. Let’s say the members of your family are standing in a circle, holding hands with their backs to the inside of the circle. This is your independent family. Everyone’s focus is where their interests and relationships outside the family lie, not with each other.
Try standing in a circle again, still holding hands but facing inward. This is what an interdependent family looks like. Everyone is focused on the needs of the family as a whole. The members of an interdependent family support each other, and make each other a priority. They realize no matter what, you have their backs and they will have yours. For years, all the members of your family had been facing inward, but when one child flips around and is now facing outward, the family is thrown into confusion. Once parents realize this, it is up to you to turn this child back around so your family is interdependent once more.
How do you build an interdependent family? It is called “Family Identity.” Take family trips and plan activities where you build memories that withstand the rigors of the worst times your family experiences. Parents and kids alike sacrifice certain things you want to do in life to have nights of playing games or making ice cream, going for a bike ride as a family, or for a walk in the evening. The family talks around the dinner table instead of shoveling food down and running to do their own thing. Ask your kids to tell you 3 good things that happened to them that day, and you share too.
When parents are busy with work and their own activities, kids will find substitutes for their parents to spend time with. They don’t care if their friends have the same values and standards you have trained them to have. If someone shows interest in them and is nice to them, that qualifies them as a good friend, regardless what their personal beliefs are.
Parenting is a season of your life. When your kids are adults, you will crave time with them. Preferably before, but definitely when one of your kids flips, it is time to strengthen the relationship of trust you have with them so it will lead to a lifetime of friendship.
I (Joey) learned to play Frisbee golf because it was something my son enjoyed doing. Although Carla would have preferred to scrapbook by herself, she invited both our daughters to scrapbook with her and encouraged them in their efforts. Carla will tell you she has played more games of Uno than she cares to think about. We found ways to do what our kids enjoyed doing.
We assigned each of our children a week every month to plan our weekly family night. I am sure Michael still remembers the time his younger sister excitedly gave us all pictures she had copied from her coloring books we were to color and make up stories about. We were pleased to see him put a smile on his face and participate in this activity without complaining.
This was our family rule: If you wanted the members of the family to participate in the family night you planned each month without whining and complaining, you had to do the same for them. Michael and I cheerfully participated in “dress-up night,” knowing Briana had planned what she wanted us to wear. She had a great time putting curlers in our hair and make-up on our faces. Speaking of scrapbooking, many of these nights have been recorded for posterity in photos, so we all have fun when we are together laughing and remembering.
When I (Joey) was growing up, we had a family vacation where we didn’t leave town. We were each given a day of the week to plan something to do. We went bowling on my brother’s day, to my sister’s favorite restaurant one night, roller skating on my day and so on (I am pretty sure we cleaned house on my mom’s day).
How many things do you do as a family? To develop family identity, we strongly encourage you to plan a family night once a week. If you don’t have time to give your undivided attention to your family one night a week, then you are too busy. You will not believe the encouragement this will be to your children, no matter their age. When our kids got to be teens, they kept family night a priority and would not plan other things to do that night, including taking babysitting jobs. That is how important family night was to each of us.
As parents, we have committed many sins that have offended our kids over the years. But, I have found, aside from going through the Repentance, Forgiveness and Restoration process with them, the one thing that can cover a multitude of parental sins is to build family identity with them.
There is a Mom’s Notes presentation entitled, “Building Family Identity”. If you already own this presentation, this might be a good time to listen to it again.
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